We say we do. But most of us are thinking about something else or waiting for our turn to talk. When someone “listens” to me while multitasking or zoning out, I withdraw. When I’m really being listened to—when someone leans in, softens their face, holds space—it’s like oxygen. I want to spill the contents of my soul.
That kind of presence is rare, but unforgettable.
The Art of Loud Listening
David Brooks writes about this in How to Know a Person. He calls it loud listening—the kind where you’re fully dialed in, where you listen with such energy it’s like you’re “burning calories.” His book is a call to reclaim the lost art of making people feel seen. He says we need more Illuminators—people who ask great questions, follow up, and reflect what’s meaningful in what they’ve heard.
Brooks also offers a powerful tool for difficult conversations: find the “gem statement.” This is the shared value at the heart of a disagreement. You and your partner are arguing about a parenting decision? The gem might be: “We both just want what’s best for our kid.” That’s the statement you hold in the center. That’s your anchor.
These aren’t just soft skills—they’re human skills. And they can be learned.
The Ears-to-Mouth Ratio
It’s said we have two ears and one mouth for a reason. We’re built to listen twice as much as we speak. But how often does that actually happen?
When I ask people how they know they’ve been truly listened to, they describe a feeling of presence from the other person that they find difficult putting into words. They describe body language: someone leaned in, kept eye contact and let silence fall between their thoughts. There were no interruptions, no hijacks, no “that reminds me of…” followed by a ten-minute tangent. I’ve experienced opposing ends of the listening spectrum– I’ve had people reflect back my truth so clearly I felt held and I’ve had others steamroll my story so fast I wanted to disappear.
My Listening Strength (and Blind Spot)
Friends have told me I’m a good listener—sometimes frustratingly so. I’m the one who asks follow-up questions and gently turns the spotlight back to you. People often tell me things they’ve never shared out loud and hadn’t planned on sharing. It’s a gift. But it can also be a shield, I’ve realized. I sometimes redirect the conversation away from myself because I’m avoiding painful truths or trying to stay in control of my feelings or the conversation. A few brave souls have called me out: “I want to hear your story. And I’m not going to let you turn this around.” One even said, “Start from the beginning—and don’t stop until it’s all out.” That moment felt like an invitation, not just to share—but to be witnessed.
So How Do We Listen Better?
There are tools—actual, teachable frameworks—to help us listen more fully and generously.
🔸 RASA (Julian Treasure)
A simple rhythm for staying present:
- Receive – Be fully present
- Appreciate – Show you’re listening with small cues (“mm-hm,” nods).
- Summarize – Reflect back what you heard
- Ask – Follow up with curiosity
🔸 TALK (Alison Wood Brooks, Harvard)
Her research gives us another lens:
- T – Tune in (give full, undivided attention)
- A – Ask open-ended questions
- L – Lean in with empathy
- K – Keep their story in focus
🔸 OARS (Motivational Interviewing)
This one’s gold for coaches and conversationalists. It keeps the conversation person-centered and insight-driven:
- Open-ended questions
- Affirmations
- Reflections
- Summarizing
Great conversations aren’t just about talking. They’re co-created. When we ask meaningful questions and truly listen, people feel known—not just heard.
Listening Is a Generous Act
Arthur C. Brooks (another Brooks) writes that real influence happens after someone feels understood. Listening isn’t passive—it’s persuasive, connective, transformational. You don’t earn trust by being the loudest voice in the room. You earn it by being the one who gets someone else.
Listening well doesn’t mean you have to disappear. I’ve learned that being a good listener and being known are not mutually exclusive. Consciously, you can resist the impulse to tuck yourself away behind the next thoughtful question. Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is let someone really see you.
Try This Next Time You’re in Conversation
- Open with: “What feels most important about this right now?”
- Stay with them: “Tell me more…”
- Reflect back: “So it sounds like you’re holding excitement and hesitation.”
- If engaged in a conflict or difficult conversation–name the gem: “We both care deeply about getting this right.”
- Don’t rescue, reframe, or redirect. Just be there.
When we listen deeply, people don’t just talk more—they think better. They feel safer. They’re more likely to tell the truth. And when someone listens to you that way, you might find that your own story flows more easily, too. Not because you rehearsed it. But because someone created the space for it to rise.
And really, isn’t that what we all want? To be known—not just for our answers, but for the shape of our becoming.
I’d love to know your experience with someone who really listened to you and what they did and how it felt.
This is so true and important and yet so hard to do. Thank you for sharing this